dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
