just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
