The maid of honor just puked.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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