I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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