More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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