dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
