I hate all girls vehemently.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
