Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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