I didn't shave. On purpose
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
