Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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