Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
