You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think I am morally bankrupt
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
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I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
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He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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