You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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