my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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