bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
