too bad you live with your parents still
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
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THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
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they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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