I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
