every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
