life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
