went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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