I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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