DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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