He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
