That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
