Taylor Swift is so right about you.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
