finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
