This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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