so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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