A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
