Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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