my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
