Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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