I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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