My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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