I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
