Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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