i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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