so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
