Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
try to milk me bitch
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
