I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
