3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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