i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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