he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
