I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
