and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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