im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
