I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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