What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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