my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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