I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
