Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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