She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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