Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
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Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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