so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
